Looking forward

So, the time has come. Yesterday, I took my last Tecfidera capsule and I have to say that I am actually now terrified. The reason, of course, is that it’s time to start thinking about getting pregnant again. I wonder whether anyone is ever ready for another child and it will always be scary but it is definitely worth it. I would love for Iman to have a sibling and someone to share her experiences with her. All the technicalities fly through your mind though like where will we put them, we are going to need more stuff and more space and just basically how will we manage it all? But the answer to all of that is, you just do.

When you are taking medication there is so much more planning involved. Because the effects of Tecfidera are unknown in pregnancy I’ve been so scared of accidentally getting pregnant and having to consider termination. I also have to allow for a period of time for the Tecfidera to ‘wash out’ of my system. The doctors have said two weeks should be fine but I think I will make it at least a month. I feel that last time we may not have waited long enough and that may have resulted in the miscarriage. On the plus side, with MS, when you actually do get pregnant you feel great and so I will look forward to feeling like my old self again! It really is amazing that when your pregnant your immune system is suppressed and your symptoms really do improve. I suppose there really is always something to be grateful for, it is hard having MS but at least it hasn’t taken away the one thing I’ve wanted the most in the world, having a child.

It’s going to be a challenge keeping myself well without medication but at least I know I have done it before. With drugs like Tecfidera you can’t really be guaranteed that they were actually doing anything as you may not have had a relapse anyway but it does give you a good feeling of a safety net. I now feel like a little bird pushed out of the net and I have to fly. I have learnt a lot in the last few years though about listening to my body and so I just need to do this a little more and manage my fatigue. Physiotherapy has really helped and I feel I am getting stronger and this has to be a good thing.

I do feel strange without it though, it’s become part of my routine and I have become so good at taking them. The last couple of nights when I’ve had my dinner I’ve had that feeling that I need to take my medication and then I realise I don’t have to. It feels weird but I will get used to it. It will all be worth it in the end if I can have another child. Having a miscarriage taught me that nothing is certain and there are no guarantees. You may want another child but it may not be in your story, all you can do is your best and leave the rest to destiny. So, anyway, the next few months will be all about looking after myself and preparing my body for a new beginning. There is only one way to look and that’s forward…..

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